Two Doctors

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
“Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

754 total views, no views today

Share Button

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

918 total views, no views today

Share Button

Halloween Party

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies,

‘I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well,’ the cab driver says, ‘I’ve always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says,

‘Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!’

The nun says, ‘OK, pull into the next alley.’

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ‘My dear child, why are you crying?’ says the nun.

‘Forgive me sister, but I have sinned,’ says the cabby. ‘I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.’

759 total views, no views today

Share Button

Two Elderly Women Were Out For Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

976 total views, no views today

Share Button

A Lawyer Walks Into A Bar

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
“Well,” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

“Let me have it,” said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. “Yes,” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

“From my nose,” the drunk replied.

 

 

 

716 total views, no views today

Share Button

Smart Kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

683 total views, no views today

Share Button

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It’s Adam’s Suit!”

685 total views, no views today

Share Button

Watching The Game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

‘What are you doing?’ she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, ‘I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.’

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

‘What are you doing?’ he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, ‘I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.’

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, ‘What are you doing?’

He replied, ‘Watching the game with my son-in-law.’

907 total views, no views today

Share Button

Smart Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
“An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins.
“You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that’s been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
“Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”
Again, the dog growls menacingly. “Alright, alright,” as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog’s owner screams at the dog.
“Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” comments the butcher.
“He’s a stupid dog–that’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.

585 total views, no views today

Share Button

A Little Boy And His GrandFather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. Thelittle boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,”Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfatherreplies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limpto put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can ofhairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes backout and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma

685 total views, no views today

Share Button